Yesterday, Amber posted a few photographs from beautiful weddings we've featured in past issues of Southern Accents. Who doesn't love a summer wedding? Alas, I'm currently of that "in-between" age, where most of my friends are married and few have children old enough to get married. So the number of wedding invitations my husband and I receive has definitely dwindled as of late.

photo by Loomis Dean, courtesy of Life.com

We have, however, attended a couple of weddings recently and I've noticed an emerging trend–one I certainly don't remember from our own ceremony or the many that I have participated in as a bridesmaid (I'm not quite up to Katherine Heigl's 27 Dresses speed, though there was a period there where I felt I was giving her a run for her money). The trend I'm speaking of is clapping for the new Mr. and Mrs. when they are presented to the congregation by the minister or priest. Perhaps I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I always thought that one never applauded in church–and I grew up attending a church that had a steady stream of musical performances that ranked right up there with professional Broadway productions. Am I just being a sanctuary Scrooge? Of course we are happy for the newlyweds–we've bought the china pattern and given up a Saturday, haven't we? I guess I prefer to sit reverently in the pews and exhibit my overwhelming enthusiasm by dancing and downing a cocktail or glass of punch or two at the reception.

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photo by Nina Leen, courtesy of Life.com

On another note (and this I must confess is a ritual I participated in on my own day), can we just dispense with the throwing of the garter? Oh with age comes wisdom . . . and crankiness!

I can't imagine living without e-mail. Well, I guess I can because I'm of the generation that actually did. But you get my point. It's a great way to get the word out about something fast. Neighborhood news, such as who's bringing the baked beans to the 4th of July picnic, is perfectly handled via e-mail, especially when most of us have full-time jobs. But sometimes e-mail can embolden even the most sensitive soul to be ungracious. For example,  I was recently copied on a string of e-mails that escalated into a cyber cat fight between 2 of the 20 recipients. The "REPLY ALLS" were flying.  Ladies, really? Whether cordial or contentious, if a matter can't be handled by an e-mail or two or is sensitive in nature, pick up the phone or better yet, actually meet face to face and not Facebook to Facebook.

I can't decide who I'd rather strangle first . . . the friend who never even bothered to RSVP to a written invitation for a dinner party or the one who replied "yes" and didn't show up (and waited almost a week to send a note of apology with no explanation). Which one would you choose?

Photograph: Becky Luigart-Stayner

On two occasions recently two different people related stories to me that I found quite interesting. Each involved a different host or hostess who offered a drink then proceeded to detail the lineage of the crystal glass in which it was served with an admonishment to "be careful." What?! In an age where it's not unusual for a host to ban red wine or ask guests to remove their shoes (neither of which I agree with, by the way), has it really come to this? Had I been the guest, I think I would have choked on my lemonade. I'm a firm believer in using and enjoying pieces that are meant to be used. If a piece of crystal or china is too fine for guests, then I say, lock it away or donate it to a museum. Your guests should feel special, not be afraid.

I recently received a beautiful handwritten note from a friend. A few days later I received a follow-up e-mail that went something like this:

I love finding old etiquette books in antique bookstores. It's fascinating to me to see what has remained a constant in the world of manners (putting other people at ease) and what has become irrelevant, whether due to technology or changes in society. Obviously decades ago we couldn't have envisioned that we would need to point out that checking a Blackberry during a dinner party was a big no-no. But apparently reminding gentleman not to put their cigarettes out on the living room carpet had to be said.

I recently found a book called Don'ts for Husbands, which was originally published in 1913 and was reissued last year in a pocket-sized edition. As the book came out around the time that my house was built, I like to wonder if its original occupants considered it the "Rules" of the day. 

Here are a few gems from the book:

"Don't drop cigarette ash all over the drawing-room carpet. Some people will tell you that it improves the colours, but your wife won't care to try that recipe."

"Don't take the attitude that wives, like children, should be seen and not heard. No doubt you are a very clever fellow, and it is an education for her to listen to you, but she also may have some views worth mentioning."

"Don't object to a servant on the score of her looks. Your wife will take care not to engage a pretty maid if she suspects you of undue interest in her appearance."

"Don't run away with the idea that there is nothing to do in a house, and that your wife should therefore never be busy or tired. You work for a few hours at the office, and come right away from it until the next day; but a woman's work is never done until bedtime, and then she lies awake and thinks of something she has left undone."

"Don't stubbornly refuse to put on your overcoat on a threatening morning and then when, after getting wet through on the way to the station and sitting in your wet clothes, you develop a bad cold, take it out on your wife by being crochety and irritable."

"Don't argue that a new hat isn't necessary because there is nothing visibly wrong with the one she is wearing. You have probably forgotten that this is its third season, but she hasn't."

"Don't come in at any odd time, and expect to find your dinner done to a turn. If it was ready at the time you said you were coming, it can't be quite as nice an hour or two later. Your home is neither a club nor an hotel."   (Yes, it's true. Some things never change....)

There is also a companion edition, Don'ts for Wives, which I'm anxiously awaiting from Amazon. Will keep you posted!

It’s rare for me to get out for lunch, so when a friend I haven’t seen in a while invited me, I jumped at the chance. Sure, we keep up via e-mail, but it’s just not the same as quality face-time. Plus after eating lunch at my desk more than I care to admit this month, the idea of being waited on while we caught up seemed positively divine. As soon as we sat down, her phone started ringing. Here’s the conversation I overheard: “Oh, nothing really, just having lunch. Yes, I remembered Aunt Betty’s birthday…blah, blah, blah. Okay, I can forgive one quick conversation. Then it happened again, and again, and again. By the time our check came, she had talked with her mother (twice), her husband, a neighbor, wrong number, and her sister. I thought about whipping my phone out and calling her myself, just to get a word in! I too have become dependant on my cell, but I also can remember life without it. Call me a rebel, but I don’t like the idea of being available 24/7 and have become an adept screener (Sorry, mom! I’ll call you back tonight when I have a chance to talk).

Miss Gracious Living recently received this email:

Dear Miss Gracious Living,

I've recently joined Facebook. I've been enjoying connecting with people, both close pals and those I haven't seen in years. I recently received a "Friend" request from someone I had a falling out with many years ago.  We haven't spoken in almost 20 years! We live in the same city, so we could have easily patched this up long ago if we'd really wanted to. But now she wants to be my "Friend." What do I do?

Signed, Clueless

MGL admits that social networking on the Internet is way out of her area of expertise. She generally prefers to correspond with friends the old-fashioned way, with good Crane stationery and a quill pen.  Do any of you have advice for Clueless?

A reader who left a comment regarding a previous post, explained how she deals with rude cell phone behavior by handing the offender a citation.  I was duly intrigued enough to search and found them here:

 

Though it's so amusing to think about using these, I can't say I'd recommend actually doing it...I wouldn't want to be accountable for the response it might provoke in return (there are a lot of crazy people out there these days!).  But it sure is fun to dream about. 

I can only imagine the havoc my fashionista sister would wreak if she had this pad:

 

I have always sorted through my e-mail in-box just like my mailbox at home, immediately recycling the junk and attending to the important things. Like everyone these days, I get hundreds if not thousands of e-mails a week.  Some I delete without even reading. Sorry, but the millionth time I get a slobbery puppy “screen cleaner” or the “forward this e-mail to 20 friends and see what happens…” (I know what happens, I annoy 20 friends and clutter their in-boxes.), they lose their appeal. My question is this: In today’s cyber etiquette are you required to RSVP to every e-vite received from strangers or well-meaning PR firms? I got one a couple of weeks ago for a boutique opening that, along with the particulars of the party, stated “MANDATORY RSVP.” It made me chuckle, and I dutifully declined. I would never dream of not responding to a written invitation or even an e-vite from a friend or colleague, but have never felt obligated to respond to a blanket invitation from a stranger, that is until now. I can’t promise that I won’t delete a few things sight unseen, but from now on, I’ll RSVP PDQ.

I’d love to say that I’m one of those genteel, eccentric, and slightly esoteric kinds of persons who proudly avoids all but the absolutely necessary forms of technology (sort of like my father, who would sooner read the encyclopedia word-for-word than Google anything). But I’m anything but. I live by email, the ATM, and The New York Times online. Still, I firmly believe there are quite a number of areas in which the “old-fashioned” way of doing things trumps the most current or convenient one (waiting in line for a bank teller notwithstanding).

Invitations would definitely fall into that category. I admit I just don’t get this evite phenomenon at all. In just the last month I’ve received electronic invites to a baby shower, an engagement party, and more than a few PR events—and I can honestly say I wasn’t thrilled about attending a single one of them (and that had nothing to do with the people or causes involved). It’s just that there is nothing like a beautiful or festive invitation in hand to get me excited about a party. I love to admire the paper, the design, and the printing. I’m reminded about the event every time I pass by the refrigerator I post them on. And if the invitation is truly special and the occasion has lived up to its billing, I tuck them into my inspiration board (really just a bulletin board) as a memento that I can savor long after the party is over. Perhaps something like this from Night Owl Paper Goods (whose letter pressing makes my heart race):

Or this, from Mrs. John L. Strong, the blueblood engraver, and an immediate signal that an elegant evening is sure to be had:

Or any of the literally thousands of stylish imprintables that can be purchased from a stationery store and run through a home computer.

In essence, I love invitations that do what invitations are supposed to do: not only provide the necessary details of where and when, but also set the tone and the mood of the affair; something that shows me that the hosts are going to expend a little energy to give their guests a good time. And I’m sorry, that just doesn’t come across on a computer screen.

So, the rule of thumb I plan to stick to? If it’s something SUPER casual or super last-minute, and I was merely going to make a few quick phone calls to the guest list, than an electronic invite is okay. But when I want to make the occasion truly memorable—and truly correct—than I'll put it down in writing (whether by hand, by engraver, or computer)…and spring for the stamps. It will be well worth the effort.